The Tango of LoveWritten by Suki Tong Soon Han
What is love? Is it some kind of feeling that captures our hearts and refuses to let us go? Or is it some kind of magical feeling that zaps us? Is it a warm feeling that grows over time between two people who trust each other, that no matter what happens, either will catch the other should the other person fall? Is it a painful feeling that rips our hearts apart when our lover hurts us? Why is love so sweet, yet at times it can be so incredibly painful? What is love? These questions have plagued many over the centuries - from musicians, to poets, to writers and philosophers.
We have experienced all the above feelings when we are in love. It's like falling over an abyss, where one just loses one's grip and control. At times we feel out of control. We feel the intensity of it. For some of us, when we experience such intense feelings, we run far away. It's scary, unfamiliar and very raw. It scares us because the beloved has come to mean a lot to us and we are so afraid of being hurt or pushed away.
For others, they create big dramas - they pick fights with their lover. Picking a big fight momentarily takes away that intensity. They scream and create a scene because they feel that's what love should be. Love, to them, is a big drama. They enjoy the adrenalin of a "low" ( screaming or quarrelling) and "high" ( making up after a big fight). They walk away; pack their bags or make empty threats to their lover about walking away from the relationship in the hope that their lover would chase them and apologize profusely. It makes them feel wanted and in a warped sense, loved.
I am wondering - is there a middle path that we could adopt - that is, neither walking away nor creating big dramas? If there were a middle path, what would that be? Perhaps, we could consider the approach of a firm and spacious love - that is, creating space in a relationship, yet allowing the other person to be in our lives and in our space. This sounds like a paradox! Perhaps, we could open our hearts gradually. Allow ourselves to make mistakes in love - in that, sometimes we will do or say silly things that will hurt our partner. I guess, the bottom line is lots of understanding, love, forgiveness and of course loads of humor. It's not easy. To allow someone into our space takes time. Give each other space to adjust to that. Be okay with the fact that sometimes you will take two steps forward and three steps back. Like a tango, we will take time. There will be many instances of stepping on each other's toes before we learn to really flow in the dance.
Meanwhile, just dance...